To Tackle A Stubborn Girl

Stubbornness is by far one of the top problems faced by parents. Do you have a stubborn child at home? Have you been wondering how to tackle a stubborn child, to get him or her to listen to you? Well, I have one stubborn child at home too, actually three.

Let’s hear the story about this little girl and skip the story of the other two boys.

She was the angel at home, always listening to instructions, giving me no problems at all. All of a sudden, she turned into a stubborn child, one who doesn’t want to do as told. It was difficult to get her to finish her meals, difficult to get her to wash her hair, difficult to get her to sit in the car seat and difficult to get her to do most of the things.

It may be a transition phase when she develops her characteristics and her own personality but hey, as a parent, I got to do something, don’t I?

So, we use a special “tool” to get her to behave.

Our special “tool”:

What’s in that little kitty that made her behave? Well, we made the little girl the “Jie Jie” (Elder sister) and made the kitty “the baby”. Her new role as an elder sister is to look after the baby and show good example to the baby so that the baby would grow up to be a good child.

Now, this little stubborn girl became the GOOD JIE JIE, doing things which she refused to do previously, trying to show good example to the little baby.

There, that took care of her stubbornness............ for awhile and I'm waiting to see how long it will last.

Children Tell Lies Too!

As usual, we were in the car heading to school. He was talking and suddenly he told me: “You know mummy, my friend told me to ask you for money and to lie to you that we need the money to buy books. I don’t want to cheat you, mummy.”

Well, I’m relieved or should I be worried? He didn’t lie to me and he didn’t do as his friend told him to. He is honest or is he too straight?

If you know me well, I’m a person who can’t stand lies, can’t stand people telling me lies. What is there to lie about but people just love to tell lies, even children!

After reading The New Parent’s post on Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire, it sets me thinking. His posts always have that effect on me. If you have not visited The New Parent’s blog, make sure you drop by to say hi.

Why do children tell lies?

1. To avoid punishment – Children tell lies to cover up their mistakes because they fear that by telling the truth, they will be yelled at or spanked or punished. So, how do we as parents respond to a mischief or an accident? For me, I would tell them that everybody makes mistakes and by telling us what they have done, we can discuss about the rightness of wrongness of the act and its consequences.

2. To get something they want – They are smart and we should never underestimate them. To get something they want, they can lie, they can pretend, they can negotiate and you will be amazed by how well they play their tricks. Again, should we give in to them and convey the message that this is the way you should play your cards when you want something?

3. To prevent parents from worrying or feeling bad – Let me give you a scenario: A family went out for dinner one day. Everybody knows how expensive the dinner was except the mother. She was told a lie, a lie that she would never have thought it was a lie! Well, what do you think of this? How do we portray ourselves as a parent so that children won’t lie to us? Should we be less worried and take things easier? Does it also mean that we should trust our children more and not question them so much?

Do you notice that our parenting approach has something to do with the lying of our children? This is something we as parents should ponder.

It Brought Tears To His Eyes

We were on our way down south to see our parents and there was NO silence in the car. All three children were talking.

Cast:
Karl – eldest boy in the family
Wayne – the middle child, the most playful child
Nyn – the youngest and only girl
Me – the mother

Nyn and Wayne were fighting over what show to watch on their portable DVD.

Karl: Let’s vote. Wayne, what show do you want?
Wayne: Land Before Time.
Karl: You, Nyn?
Nyn: Hi-Fi.
Karl: Ok, I choose Land Before Time. So, both of us want Land Before Time. We shall watch Land Before Time (about dinosaurs).
Me: Poor Nyn. Two against one. Mymmy will deliver another baby girl so that you would have a partner, ok?
Nyn: Yes, yes, yes. I want baby girl.
Wayne: NO!!! I don’t want mummy to have another baby.
Nyn: I want, I want.
Wayne: *Almost in tears* NO, I don’t want.
Me: Ok, let Wayne talk. Wayne, why don’t you want another baby?
Wayne: I don’t want mummy to have another baby because if mummy has another baby, mummy will have pain and blood. I don’t want mummy to have pain and blood.
Me: So, you love mummy?
Wayne: Yes, I love mummy. I don’t want mummy to have pain. I don’t want mummy to have another baby.
Me: Ok, I will not have another baby. Thank you for loving me and I would be happy if all of you can behave yourselves and be good boys and good girl.

All my frustrations and headaches disappeared at that moment. This is one moment I feel my efforts in parenting not wasted and my love for them is appreciated.

Do You Follow Her Ways?

I have been thinking a lot lately about parenting styles. What are the factors that determine a parenting style? I mean, do you form your parenting style according to your parents’ ways or do you follow what the experts say or do you create your own way from scratch?


My husband and I are brought up differently, VERY differently. His parents are businessmen while my parents are teachers. So, you should guess how differently both of us are brought up. When we eventually agreed to tie the knot, we had lots of compromising work to do. Imagine two people with different characters coming together to start a life and a family of their own, bringing along with them, their own values and practice.


When it comes to my own children, I face a dilemma. On one hand, I have a mother, who wishes that I could follow her ways and on the other hand, I have a husband who thinks very strongly that his upbringing has enabled him to be brave, tough and very independent.


To me, each child is different and because each child is different, I should be using different approach that suits the child best, shouldn’t I? Why should I be following my mother’s or my parents in law’s ways if I don’t agree with it or if it doesn’t work on my children?


So, what I’m going to do is to take the best of my upbringing and the best of my husband’s upbringing and blend it together, not forgetting to add some of my “creations” to form an all-in-one parenting style that suits me and my children. I hope I don’t disappoint my mother or my husband.


Now, please tell me how you form your parenting style? Do you listen to your mom? Do you listen to the experts? Is it wrong if we have our own style without listening to anybody?

What to do when Daddy and Mummy ……?

Now, this is a problem I have been working on for a long time but until today, it has yet to be solved completely.


I remembered reading one of Kellan’s posts and it kept me thinking about me and my husband. If you have been reading my posts frequently since I started blogging, you should know that I am very much into positive parenting since last year and my aim is to become my children’s best friend. For my new friends, you may want to click the link to read my previous posts.


I have been trying and trying with many types of approaches and I have been cracking my head to be creative to give my children some surprises while instilling some positive values into them. Along the way, I find explanation not very effective as too lengthy an explanation becomes a NAG and the children tend not to listen.


You must be thinking that I am a very patient person who does not get angry. Hey, I wish I could be that perfect person too but I am not there yet. Sometimes when I am stressful, I do get angry and I do show my temper. My children are not that obedient yet especially my middle child but I belief that love will never fail and with as much patience as possible, my children will grow up to be useful and good beings.


While I am working hard towards positive parenting, my husband chooses to scold and yell at the kids. To him, kids should be afraid of either one of the parents. When he raises his voice, his voice gets really loud and that scares the children. Off course, he doesn’t have bad intention. I have tried talking to him. He knows that scolding doesn’t work but he thinks that the soft approach doesn’t work all the time either.


One day, while I was not around in the house, he scolded the two boys for throwing tantrum. My eldest son, Karl, wrote a note to his daddy and that note actually made my husband realize that his approach was a little too harsh on the kids. He had a heart to heart talk with the boys and they had a mutual agreement. When I returned, he told me happily that his relationship with the boys has improved.


So, what’s in that note? Here it is:


My darling Karl had remembered what I told him: “When mummy is too angry, give me a hug and ask me to control my temper.” He has put that down in words and used it on daddy! There’s one for me too.


So, what to do if both parents use different approaches? The experts say it’s not good but in reality, what do you think?

Demand Less and Thank More

There are many things that we ought to be grateful for but we tend to forget. We complain, we get angry, we feel sad sometimes but while we are having these feelings, we failed to see the bright side of things. Behind each problem, it may be a hope or a blessing! We never know.

I am very grateful:

1. To be made a mother. Motherhood is full of challenges, adventures and fun too.

2. To have a wonderful husband. He is not the perfect man (nobody is) but he loves me in his own way.

3. To have three lovely children. They drive me up the wall sometimes but at times, I feel like holding them in my arms so tightly and never let go. They are the most wonderful gifts that I get and I appreciate having them.

4. To have great parents. They are wonderful parents who love me dearly.

5. To be a normal person with no abnormalities.

6. To be staying in a house with a car to drive. Although I am not rich, it doesn’t matter. At least I am proud to say that I am not lying in the street begging for money.

7. To have a chance to teach children in the Sunday Dhamma School. This is a voluntarily work and I don’t get paid for it but I learn together with the kids along the way.

8. To have a chance to do what I like – write! Blogging is a great way for me to express my feelings and opinions and to get other people’s views too. So, if you have something to say, do leave me a comment.


I told my children and the children in Sunday Dhamma School this: When you want to complain, think of the less fortunate people and be grateful for what you have. Demand less and thank more.


This is supposed to be a tag from delittleones. It is about the 8 things that I am grateful for. For those who like this topic, feel free to tag along.

Maid Or No Maid?

In Malaysia, many people have maids. Every time when I go shopping or dining, I would see families with a maid tagging along. Last Saturday, during our weekly playgroup session, we discussed this issue and we were wondering how people from the other side of the globe (western countries) can afford to live without a maid.


For me, I desperately need a maid but my husband often reminds me that there are many people out there who have five children and do not even have a maid. I have to agree with him but I just can’t do without one. I leave all the house chores to my maid. She takes care of the laundry, the dishes, the cleanliness of the entire house and the food (preparing vegetables and meat before I cook them). As for me, I take care of my work and my children.


It seems that I only take care of two things but they take up a lot of my time and energy. My work is flexible but the workload is there. My children are difficult to handle especially when they are the bodily kinesthetic type. Children don’t only eat and sleep. They need to learn, they need to play, they need bonding and they need to be loved. Educating children doesn’t only mean seeing to their studies or academic. It means grooming them into useful people who have good characteristics, behavior and EQ. That’s the most difficult part of parenting, I guess.


Now, with my eldest son in primary one and the younger two in pre-school, I find it difficult to breathe. With the new schedule, I only have two to three hours for myself to write and to visit blogs. (Sorry for not visiting your blogs so frequently. I am struggling here to even write a post a day. For those who visit my blog frequently, I truly appreciate the kind act and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.) How do I feel? Although I would love to have more time to myself, to update my blogs and to visit all your blogs, I still feel good that I spend time with my children. The special bonding between us can never be replaced by anything!


Back to maids, many argued that having maids mean spoiling our children. The maid would do everything and the children would take for granted that they do not need to help in the house. I am aware of this and I make sure that my children don’t push everything to the maid.


These are the things my children need to do at home despite having a maid:

1) Bring in bag from the car when they return from school, take out water tumbler and lunch box from the bag.
2) Take their plates, fork and spoon from the kitchen before each meal.
3) Bring their plates, fork and spoon to the sink after each meal.
4) Keep the toys.
5) Wipe the table (Karl, my eldest son would do it)
6) Wash school shoes (Karl)
7) Sweep and mop during weekends (Karl)
8) Fold clothes (Sometimes, they would help the maid)


I want my children to have the responsibility of being part of the family and I really hope they understand why I train them this way. I often tell them that all of us live in this house and each and everyone of us have the duty to take good care of our house and to make it a happy home to live in. One day, they would understand.


Do you have a maid at home? If you have one, do you ask your children to participate in house work? If you don’t have one, how do you cope? Do share with me.

Do You Want A Very Obedient Child?

What do you want in your child? Do you want a child who is very obedient?


Every parent would love to have children who are very obedient. Who wouldn’t? At least, it would save you all the yelling, spanking, headaches and heartbreaks. The very obedient child would listen when you talk, do whatever you want him to do and follow instructions. Wouldn’t it be perfect to have this type of children?


Think again.


I know of a boy who would shrug his shoulders and say “I don’t know. Ask my mummy.” every time a question is asked including questions like “What do you like?” and “Which do you prefer?” He would do whatever his mother asks him to do and to me, he doesn’t have a mind of his own and he is just like a robot being remote controlled. I for one would not want my children to be THAT obedient.


Read on.


I attended a workshop on S*xual Abuse Prevention by PS The Children one Sunday and that workshop makes me think a lot about how we train our children. Obedience is one trait that would benefit the s*x offender. I was shocked to know that 85% of the s*x offenders are people the children know and love while 15% are strangers. So, when we teach our children to obey their parents or elderly and do whatever they say, we are actually teaching them that it is wrong to say “NO” when they find certain touches to be bad and uncomfortable. Many cases of child s*x abuse involve father and daughter which means children are not even safe in their own home!


We were taught to teach our children this “Say No, Run and Tell” when they feel uncomfortable to someone’s touch or when they feel uncomfortable seeing something or when they feel something is not right. Read more on how to create awareness among children about s*x abuse here.


So, when your children say “NO” to you, we should feel happy that they dare to speak up when they dislike something and when your children have demands, we as parents should feel happy that they know what they want. As long as the children know their limits and that we do not give in to each and every of their demand, I would say having children who are not “merely following instructions without thinking” is great.


Now, who wants a child who is VERY OBEDIENT?

Do You Regret Having Children?

Why do you get married? Have you ever regretted that you nodded your head when he proposed? If you are a parent, have you regretted having children, especially when they get on your nerves?


Don’t get me wrong. I am not having trouble with my marriage. I am not having trouble with my children either. It is just a topic I find interesting to discuss.


Today, more and more people do not wish to be involved in marriage. Many view marriage as a commitment which they find difficult to fulfill and view children as a burden. Youngsters today would rather keep a dog or a cat as pets instead of having their own children.


Marriage is really a personal choice. It is not compulsory nor is it an obligation. Having children is also a personal choice. If you get married, it doesn’t mean that you must have children. Some have children because they do not want to end up in nursing homes but is that the reason you want children?


I have three children and if you ask me whether I planned it, the answer is YES. My ideal plan was to have three children with two years gap and I can’t believe it went so smoothly as planned.


For those of you who plan to have three children or those who are hesitating to go ahead with another one, read on.


Having three children is not easy and those with three children like Elaine and Miche would agree. The main worry is our financial ability. Can we cope financially with three children? Next comes the fairness issue. Can we be fair and equal to all three children to make them feel important and special as an individual? When they start to fight and quarrel, that is when your headaches begin. You would even have a mental torture when all three of them refuse to obey.


Having said that, what is the difference between two children and three children or maybe more? Two would still fight and quarrel. Two would still give you a mental torture. So, why not go for three? Three doesn’t seem so bad after all.


Sometimes we see too much, hear too much and worry too much. If you do not have problems with your pregnancy and labor, go ahead and plan. Everything is possible if we put our heart and mind to it. Parenting is difficult but we can learn to be a better parent and give our children the best we can.

I am glad I have three children and I do not regret having them. My husband raised his voice when he got excited over a debate with me one day and all three children told their daddy: “Daddy, please don’t scold mummy.” I was so touched and my heart melted. At that moment, I knew that motherhood is all about sacrifices and gains and I have to thank my angels for loving me so much, for training my patience and for giving me a chance to learn along with them.


What makes you get married and what makes you want children? If you are not married, why don’t you want to get married? If you are married but do not want children, why not?

Sacrifices Vs Gains

Tot’s Mom, in one of her posts, mentioned that there are many sacrifices that we as parents have to make when the children arrived in this world. I do agree with her. There are indeed many sacrifices parents have to make for their children but I think we gain a lot too. Raising our children make us grow. Previously when you fear some lizards or cockroaches, now in front of the kids, you have to act as if you are not scared of anything to train them to be brave. Previously if you do not know certain things, now you have to flip through the encyclopedia when your children start asking you “Why” and “How”. Previously if you have certain bad habits, now you have to change to prevent the children from imitating.


Sometimes, children make us so mad that we wish we hadn’t stepped into this “trap” but other times when they make us happy and proud, we wish the moment would never end. The following conversation is too cute for me to forget:


Wayne: Mummy, why I don’t grow?

Me: You are growing, Wayne. Why did you say you don’t grow?

Wayne: But why am I still 4 years old?

Me: Because you grow little by little and you grow slowly.

Wayne: I don’t want to grow slowly.

Me: If you grow up very fast, you will miss your childhood. Childhood is fun. You can play and you have no worries. If you grow up very fast, you will grow old very fast too. Then, you will be an old man.

Wayne: I don’t want to enjoy my childhood. I want to grow old.

Me: Why?

Wayne: When I grow old, I can buy fish.

Me: Buy fish?

Wayne: Yes. Remember you said I can buy fish when I grow older?

Me: (Laugh)

Now, I remembered. The two boys are always bugging me to buy them fishes as their pets but I insisted that they should be old enough to learn how to take care of the fishes before I can buy them some. No wonder Wayne wants to grow old. He must have been confused between grow older and grow old.


Wayne: Mummy, I am still a baby.

Me: Why do you say that?

Wayne: Because my teeth have not dropped. Kor Kor (Big brother) is a big boy because his teeth have dropped. (Click here if you did not read my previous story)

Me: (Laugh) but babies cannot go to the cinema, babies cannot eat ice-cream and babies cannot do so many things.

Wayne: (Thinking) I’m a SPECIAL BABY. Special baby can go to the cinema.

Me: (Laugh) So, you are a Special Baby. What else can a Special Baby do?

Wayne: Special baby can share toys with kor kor (big brother) and mei mei (little sister). Special baby can eat by himself and don’t mess up.

Me: and Special Baby can behave himself so well and listen to daddy and mummy.

Wayne: Yes. (Gives me a sweet smile, lying in my arms, acting like a baby)

So, I’m going to take advantage of the term “Special Baby” against Wayne when he misbehaves. Hahaha, bad mummy!

Karl Lost Something

A tooth!

He was so excited about it when his first tooth dropped.

Karl: Mummy, mummy, look!

I was excited too. I quickly snapped a picture of the tooth but it’s not clear enough to be shown here.

Next, my instinct told me that I have to grab this opportunity to talk to him about his behavior:

Me: Karl, you have lost a tooth today.

Karl: Yes, mummy.

Me: Is it painful?

Karl: No, not painful.

Me: Yay! Do you know what it means when you loose a tooth? It means you are a big boy now!

Karl: Haha, I’m a big boy now.

Me: Do you know how a big boy should behave?

Karl: I know, I must help mummy and daddy to do work and I must help kakak (my maid) to sweep the floor.

Me: That’s right. You have to do many things yourself. You have to be independent and you have to change your bad habits. Big boys don’t jump about, big boys don’t cry when mummy say NO, big boys don’t quarrel and fight with brothers and sisters. Big boys love brothers and sisters and teach them to be good.

Karl: (Smile)

He seems to understand. I hope he really understands. It is so much easier to talk to him when he is happy and when I am calm. That is a new tactic I learnt, to teach my children wherever and whenever possible. What about you?

Say "ee"

Do you have problem brushing your children’s teeth? Karl can brush his own teeth while Wayne and Nyn are two difficult children who do not want to open their mouth and that make brushing difficult.

So, I thought of an idea to make them open their mouth. I sang them a song:


This is the way we say “ee ee”
We say “ee ee”
We say “ee ee”

This is the way we say “ee ee”
On a cold and frosty morning


So, when they say “ee”, I would brush the outer part of their teeth. Then, the song continued:


This is the way we say “ah ah”
We say “ah ah”
We say “ah ah”

This is the way we say “ah ah”
On a cold and frosty morning


When they say “ah”, I would brush the inner part of their teeth.


This method seems to work for both of them but yesterday, Nyn refused to open her mouth. I tried many methods but she just kept her mouth shut tightly. So, I think I have to think of another way to make her open her mouth.


Can you share with me how you handle your children when it comes to brushing of their teeth?

Unleash Your Potential - Part 2

Continued from Part 1:

There are many stories of successful people such as Colonel Sanders who received 1,099 times of “NO” (rejection) before he finally got a “YES” when he started selling his chicken recipe. Today, everybody knows the famous KFC. There are many more but I'll just spare them for this post. From these stories, there is only ONE conclusion which is successful people fail many times but their failure gives them experience and experience then brings about success.

Meredith shared with us her story too about how she was elected as the house captain of the house which always end up last in every sports event. She was the only captain who was not good in sports but she did what she does best - to lead and her house won the first place that year.

Let me share with you another two video clips:

Video clip 3:



Video clip 4:



From these two video clips, what do you see? Do you see shabbily dressed salesman and a little 6 year old girl with no teeth? NO! We see two beautiful people doing what they are passionate about and everybody was cheering for them. They manage to capture the judges' and the audience’s heart with their passion. If they were to fear that they do not have the appearance to win, they would never have won. This is also an important issue to discuss with my kids. They just need to know that they should go for something that they like and enjoy doing. This serves also as a reminder to us, parents, to encourage our children to have big dreams, even wild dreams and to try their very best.

The last part was very interesting - writing on boards, one side about what they want to achieve in life and another side about what is holding them back. Then, she made them focus, thinking beyond what is stoping them such as fear and lack of confidence and then .......

Breaking the board gives the teenagers satisfaction and boost their confidence that if they break the fear and lack of confidence or whatever is holding them back, they will definitely achieve their dreams.

Hearing the teenagers' expression of feelings at the end of the workshop made me cry. Maybe I'm the sentimental one but to hear how they feel this workshop has motivated them and will change their life just touch me tremendously.

Meredith had done a wonderful job and given the best gift to the teenage