Be Your Children's Best Friend - Part 3

Continued from Part 2:

I know it’s very difficult to stop scolding and spanking but for the sake of your children, we should try very hard and if we put our mind to it, it’s not impossible. I am trying very hard too.

Sometimes, I got so angry that I couldn’t control myself but to be harsh on my kids but I have told them that when a person is angry, he / she will not be able to think right. I then ask my kids to remind me and to hug me and say: “Mummy, please control yourself.” It works! After a hug, you will somehow cool down.

The key word here is “Change your approach”. Let’s have a few examples of “Approach Change”.


Example 1: Magic word

When Wayne requests for something aggressively, instead of saying: “Don’t be so rude” or “Why can’t you have good manners?” I change my approach to:

Wayne: Mummy, I want to eat biscuit now. (Saying this with not so polite voice tone)
Me: Sorry, wrong magic word used.
Wayne: (Look at me with big eyes)
Me: When you use the wrong magic word, you won’t get anything. So, what’s the magic word?
Wayne: Please mummy, can I eat biscuit now?
Me: Yes, that’s good manners. Wayne is such a good boy.


Example 2: Never give in when your children cry

When Wayne requests for a balloon and I said no, he would cry and throw tantrum. Instead of saying: “Don’t cry!” or “No means no!” I would then tell him: “Wayne, cry louder and stamp your feet harder and see whether you can get the balloon.” He would stop for awhile and think about it. Then, I would say: “Wayne, crying and throwing tantrum will not help you to get the balloon, right? So, why cry? When mummy say no, there’s a reason (explain reason). Wayne should say: It’s OK mummy. Be flexible and you will be happy.” Sometimes, he would not stop crying. What I normally do is to ignore his cries. I would let him cry until he is tired and stops. Then, when he stops, I will say: “My good boy Wayne has returned. Now mummy can talk to you.” Then, tell him the reason.

Never give in when children cry. If we give them what they request whenever they cry, they would use this tactic on you again when they want something in future.


Example 3: Remove things that create unhappiness

When Karl and Wayne fight over a toy, yelling at each other, instead of saying: “Why do you always fight?” or “Why can’t you just play together?” I would remove the toy and have a little conversation with them:

Me: Karl and Wayne, why do you want to play?
Karl: To have fun.
Me: That’s right. You play because you want to have fun.
Me: When you fight, are you having fun?
Karl and Wayne: No.
Me: So, if fighting over a toy doesn’t bring fun, then, why fight? It doesn’t bring happiness too. Mummy loves you and I want you to be happy and to have fun but if this toy is creating so much unhappiness, I will remove it. I just want you to be happy.


Example 4: Use character in stories to encourage a positive behavior and discourage a negative bahavior

Nyn likes to drink soup straight from the bowl without using a spoon. She must have learnt it somewhere. So, instead of saying: “Don’t drink like this.” or “Please use a spoon.” I would use the story of “Beauty and the Beast” to encourage her.

Me: Nyn, Beauty drinks her soup using a spoon but the Beast drinks his soup using the bowl. Who do you want to be? Beauty or the Beast?
Nyn: (Think for a while) Beauty!
Me: Good. Nyn has good table manners like Beauty. Everyone loves Beauty. (Hug her)
Nyn: Nyn is Beauty. (Smile and hug me)

When she played cooking game with my maid one day, she made soup for my maid to drink and my maid pretended to drink using the bowl. She told my maid: “Kakak, drink properly. Beauty drinks with a spoon.” while passing a toy spoon to my maid. I know that she has remembered what I taught her.


Example 5: Throw back the question

Karl, Wayne and Nyn wanted the same toy one day. I have actually taught them to share and I know that by repeating it, they might not want to listen. So, I ask them to take part in decision making.

Me: There is only one toy fish here and all three of you want to play with the fish. What can we do about this?
Karl: I know mummy, we take turns.
Me: Good! What about you Wayne?
Wayne: I know mummy, one two jus (meaning scissors, paper, stone) and see who win. The one who win will play first, then pass, pass (meaning after playing, pass to the next person)
Me: Good! Both of you are so clever.


Example 6: Let them accept willingly

Karl came back from school one day and requested for a piano lesson.

Karl: Mummy, can I learn piano please?
Me: Why do you want to learn piano?
Karl: Because my friends are all learning piano.
Me: I can send you for a piano lesson if you REALLY like it. A piano lesson means you have to sit still and ‘deng, deng, deng’ (showing him the gesture of how people play piano while making the sound). Do you like this?
Karl: Oh, no mummy. I don’t want to learn piano.

I could have just said: “When mummy says no, it means no. Don’t follow everything your friends do.”

Example 7: Tell them the consequences and let them participate in decision making

Whenever my children are naughty, I would show them this diagram:

Then I would tell them:

“You are now at the junction. It’s up to you to choose whether you want to turn left or turn right. When you are naughty, you are on the road to the devil. Mummy will pull you back by telling you that your action is wrong. It’s up to you to follow mummy to come back to the good side or to fight against me. If you are stubborn and if you fight, I can’t hold on to you and have to let go. If mummy lets go, you are heading towards the devil. So, do you want me to let go?”

They will always hold me tightly and say: “Please don’t let go, mummy.” (They make the choice)

Another example of telling children the consequenses and letting them participate in decision making: Wayne doesn't like to wash his hair. I told him: "It's up to you. If you don't want to wash your hair, then, you will have head louse and it will make your hair very itchy. Do you want to wash your hair?" He will quickly say: "Yes, mummy."

We can just let children choose between two such as "Do you want to eat bread with jam or bread with meat floss". By doing that, they will feel that they are respected and you will be sure that they don't go for something that you do not allow.

There are many more examples but the post is already very lengthy. So, I have to put a stop here. We want our children to trust us and to tell us what’s in their heart and mind and we want to be their shoulder to cry on and rely on. So, no matter how difficult it is, we should all try to change our approach and be our children’s BEST FRIEND! Don't lose your children to their peer group.

I am not perfect but I am trying very hard. The result is not 100% but I can see improvement. Good luck to all parents out there and thank you for your patience in reading my posts.

~End of Be Your Children's Best Friend mini series~