After reading The New Parent's post on The Big Rub Off: Early Peer Groups, I thought I would write this post as I would like to share my experience. This is also one of the reasons why I chose "Shower your children with love - the right way" as my blog's title, to remind myself to love them but not to spoil them, to love them and let them love me in return, to love them and to be their friend.
Have you been wondering why children tend to listen to what their friends say instead of listening to their parents? This is what we call Peer Group Influence. This influence can be positive or negative and it will post a threat once our children become teenagers. However, early peer group influence is still considered manageable as our children are still young and they can still be molded.
My experience with early peer group influence:
Karl is now 6 and he is now in pre-school. Sometimes, he would come home with behaviours, attitudes and speech that piss me off and kept me wondering where he learn that from. We have no ASTRO at home but Karl came back talking about BEN10. I didn't know what was that initially and later I got to know that it was a cartoon character that can transform himself into 10 different forms. Now, Karl began to make BEN his idol. He even changed his name to BEN! He would write "BEN" as his name in all his worksheets. My hubby and I knew that we have to do something about this and so, we had a talk with our little 6 year old. First, we asked him why he likes Ben so much and he told us that Ben has super powers and he is a hero. Then, we told him that nobody in this world has that kind of super powers and that Ben is only a cartoon character and is not real. Karl did not accept that so easily. So, we tried another approach. We asked him what he feels about Karl (himself) and he said Karl is a good boy. We then told him: "Karl, why don't you try to be yourself? try to be confident about yourself and think of what you can do best so that one day, everybody will know you and "Karl" will be a great name everybody will remember." I think that boosted his confidence and now, he doesn't tell me that he is BEN anymore.
Another incident:
I remembered there was once when Karl was with a friend and this friend of his told Karl to beat a girl's butt. Karl did that and I was so shocked! I drag him aside and ask him why he did that. He told me he did it because his friend asked him to do it. Then, I started thinking why children change their behaviours just to fit into a group. Then, I had a conversation with him:
Me: Karl, who do you think the girl will blame? You or your friend?
Karl: Me.
Me: Who will your teacher punish for that naughty act? You or your friend?
Karl: Me.
Me: Then, do you like to be punished?
Karl: No.
Me: Do you think beating a girl's butt is a right action?
Karl: No.
Me: So, if your friend ask you to do something not right, do you still want to do it?
Karl: No, mummy.
Me: That's right. Your friend can say many things and ask you to do many things but Karl is a good boy and a smart boy. You should think first before believing or following your friends. If you do not know whether it is right or wrong, you can come home and talk to me. I am your best friend, you know?
Karl: (Hold my hand) Ya, mummy is my best friend. Sorry mummy.
Communication is really an important tool to enhance parents-children relationship. However, that's not all. It's rather difficult to be our children's BEST FRIEND. Why many parents fail to be their children's best friend? How can we be our children's best friend? Why must we be their best friend?
to be continued......
20 comments:
Jo-N, I admiring the way u reason out with your kids...
I do the same... but i don't see it works for Wen Wen... She seems doesn't comprehend wat I wanna tell her or probably she is selective on wat she likes to comprehend or perhaps she is still young...
an example, One fine day, my husb bought a kettle back and he put it on the table. Thanks for curiousity, my 2 little bees buzzing near the table and trying to grab the brand new 'toy' and starts exploring. The moment I saw it, I told them kettle is not a toy for lil kids and start tellling them the function of the kettle and warn and warn and reminding them not to play/touch the kettle at ALL TIMES. Xuan Xuan seems to comprehend that kettle is dangerous and hot and should stay away from it. Until today she doesn't go near it. Unlike Wen Wen, she doesn't seem to pay attention when i talk, she keeps doing her own stuff...
Now...time to test.... I boil water w the kettle... as expected... Wen Wen went near the kettle coz of the water boiling sound and started to put her hand on the kettle. Cried in pain...She learns through hard way...always the case...always...another typical example is Wen Wen put her lil finger in the fan.... luckily the blade is not too sharp else ...
No matter how hard i explain, Wen Wen won't listen unless she feels the pain...
I always tell myself that she is too small to comprehend... be patient...
I wonder whether u have the same prob...with your younger kid?
Thanks for dropping by my blog.
My toddler, he is way too young for this peer influence stuff. BUT it will come one day and perhaps then I can seek your expertise since you would have all the experience!
Kelly,
I think Wen Wen is still too young to understand. You can explain to her but let her learn from other people's experience. Tell her so and so touch a hot kettle and got burn. Her hand becomes red and have to go to the hospital. Her skin peel off and she felt so painful that she kept crying. Relate these experience to her.
Maybe you can try holding her hand and let her touch the not so hot kettle for just 1 second and pull it off quickly. This is to introduce the word "HOT" to her. Her little hand will feel hot but there won't be any harm done.
Let them suffer a little but don't let the real accident happen. They will learn.
Nyn also learn thru this when I introduce "Spicy" but I think Nyn is very understanding compared to her brothers.
Tot's Mom,
Welcome to my blog. I'm not an expert. We will share experience, ok?
Joanne, I learn something good from you again. Thanks.
Jo-n --
LOL! I think you did a great job. Must come and learn more. hehe...
u r very good with teaching ur kids. so far Ian didnt beat anyone but was pinched by a girl school mate, and its on his koo koo bird! poor boy.
i think kids r like that kia. Today i called my boy Master Ian and he told me to call him Master Ultraman ! really ja dou!!
LOL (after reading Wen's comment). Kids... Yes, they like to compare this n that with their classmates. I will oso try to reason with XY when she does something wrong. The prob is, she'll give all the 'right' answers then, but after awhile, she'll do the same mistakes again n again. So how to teach leh?
LiLi and Healy,
I am just sharing my experience. Mothers are always learning,don't you agree? I am too and I hope to learn from you too.
Wen,
Poor Ian. Kids are easily influenced but by being their best friend, we can get into their inner world, to know what they are thinking and we can gain their trust and respect more easily.
Ginnie,
(Laugh) I'm not an expert but will give my personal opinion on this.
My kids still make mistakes but I notice that whenever they make a mistake now, they will remember what I say and they will feel sorry about it. This is an improvement but not the best from them yet. So, I would tell them that they have improved but can still improve further by remembering my words before the mistake is made. It's like an encouragement and an reinforcement.
One thing is for sure, we can't stop reminding them.
Good post Joanne. Yes, I think kids are very easily influenced by their friends. Alycia is also always influenced by her best friend. Whatever snacks that her best friend ate in school, she'll come home and pester me to get her the same snacks to bring to school the next day.
At her age (almost 4 yo), she's already started to argue with me. I dread to think how she'll turn out later when she grows up.
great post jo-n. coincidentally i have just attended a workshop called Floortime today. the key is interact with your child more. communication is the word. by bonding and giving your child the confidence that he/she can tell you anything, almost :P
Hi Jo-n--some really interesting thoughts here.
I'm very curious about the increase of aggression when our children are together in a group. I was at a class outing with my little one and I was watching how the children imitate the aggressive kids. There may be 3-4 aggressive kids, but because they are loud and boisterous they call attention to themselves and when the other children see their big movements they seem to want to try that also.
If our kids are around that often, well, we can see how that will be imitated.
Thank you for expanding this topic Jo-n, it's an important one (smile)!
Shireen,
My kids too. It's our challenge to put the idea into their head that we should always appreciate what we have.
Sweetpea,
I agree with you. They will just listen to you and talk to you willingly if we can get their trust and respect.
Hi TNP,
I understand your concern. There's a saying that goes: Learn good in three years but learn bad in just three days.
Kids like to try things that are new. If we stop them or pull them out from their group, they will think we are trying to control their life. If they have that thought, it will be very difficult for them to listen to us later on.
What I think we should do as parents, is that we should address the bad behaviour or attitude indirectly without pointing fingers at our children or their friends.
Sometimes, you may receive comments like: My friend do this too. Then, it is our chance to lead them to the right path.
Thank you TNP, for your thoughts. I really appreciate that.
That's good approach.. and we'll probably do the same with Zara when she's older..
For now.. she still thinks mummy and daddy are the best and only listen to us. :P
Agnes,
Glad to hear that. Keep up the good work!
I like the last part of the conversation when Karl held your hand, very touching...
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